Confessions Of A Stress Eater ~ Meatloaf, Smeatloaf, Double Beatloaf - I Hate Meatloaf

    I’ve been overweight most of my life. I look back at my childhood pictures and it wasn’t until I reached puberty, that I started to gain weight. I was born with asthma and was allergic to everything. In my early years, I was a tiny. I grew up in doctors offices, and croup tents in the hospitals - I was held back in fifth grade because I missed too much school due to my health. By seventh grade I was wearing a size 12/13 and was given the worse nickname for being overweight, “Meatloaf”. The nickname stuck with me throughout Junior High and High School. I just wanted to fit in with the my other peers but all they did was recognize me for my weight, poked fun at me, and made me feel worthless. By high school, I was wearing a size 18/20. I had NO self esteem and embarrassed to attend school. I was not part of the crowd, nor did I fall for peer pressure. I only had a handful of true friends throughout my teenage years - that I am friends with today. Shortly after graduation I lost one of my best friends, April. It wasn’t until then that my weight started coming off. By the time I met Kenny, my husband of now 17 years, I was at an ideal and realistic weight for my age and height, and proud to be back in a size 12/13. How did I accomplish this...I misunderstood the doctor and only ate 20-grams of fat a day, became a “rabbit” eating my veggies, stayed active after work, and lived life on the weekends.

    Growing up, our family rarely had salad. We always had a home cooked meal that consisted of meat (typically beef), mashed potatoes with gravy, vegetables that were dripping with butter, bread with butter, and always dessert. I did not even know what an artichoke was until I relocated out West with my husband two years after we were married. Learning to cook like my mom and grandma, I have to admit I cook the same exact way. And I have also carried on the traditions of making homemade donuts, breads, pies, and let us not forget cookies. Till this very day, bread and other carbohydrates are my downfall when it comes to dieting.

    Fast forwarding to March 1999, my husband and I found out we were having our first child - due to arrive in October. The honeymoon baby!! I began to show early on in my pregnancy, so big in fact, my doctor thought I was going to have twins. I outgrew most of my regular clothes pretty quickly and was off shopping for maternity clothes before I knew it. By this time, I was a housewife, living above a beauty salon. I loved taking frequent walks throughout the day, but I always seemed to walk in the wrong direction - two blocks to many and right into the front doors of the chinese restaurant, where I became the VIP and I don’t mean “VERY IMPORTANT PERSON”...I was the “Very Important and Pregnant” lady that had no self control with pregnancy cravings and gave them 5-stars on their veggie fried rice and crab rangoon.  Pretty soon, the weight started to come on and to no fault of anyone but myself. I felt like my belly and rear end formed a giant fortune cookie, and it was about to crack open at anytime. As my pregnancy weight started to pile on, my back started acting up. It didn’t help that my little bundle of joy was pushing on my nerves. By this point I found myself having to be very careful because I feared falling when my sciatica caused my leg to give out. From that point, I was put on bed rest, and by the end of my pregnancy I was 60-pounds heavier.

    After our gorgeous daughter was born, my back was on the mend and it allowed me to keep up with her throughout the day. I was able to lose my pregnancy weight, granted it didn’t melt off like butter - it was a struggle - but I felt I wasn’t going to allow myself to become “Meatloaf” again.

    That didn’t last very long.

    During my first pregnancy, things were happening behind the scenes with our parents. By the time our daughter arrived, my parents were already six months divorced and my dad had remarried.. little did we know that my husband’s parents would follow in my parents footsteps the following year. I lived in a constant state of stress and unhappiness. I was allowing how I felt about my parents divorce to affect me and I became a STRESS EATER over those next two years. However, when you add the “MARRIAGE WEIGHT GAIN” with BIRTH CONTROL pills and you mix it with STRESS, it becomes a weight gain cocktail from hell. Not only did I weigh more than I did in high school, but I was now in a size 22/24.

    Time past and it was soon January 2003. By this time I was still a housewife and now living in Washington State. We had to move away from the stress and drama in Ohio. We soon found out that we were expecting baby #2, after a very LONG struggle getting pregnant. By this time, I was in still in a size 22/24.  I was very concerned about my baby. So I started to become aware of my eating habits. I had to figure a way to not be the STRESS EATER. I craved veggies and spicy food all the time. I would go to the doctors - afraid to be weighed in, but this pregnancy was total opposite from my last. I was losing weight during pregnancy and I became fearful I was was doing something wrong...was my baby unhealthy? (NO, I was not dieting during my pregnancy.) To reassure my husband and I, as well as the doctor, she did frequent ultrasounds and each time they came back perfect! June 17, 2003 arrived and our handsome son was born at 9lbs 15oz. He was a big baby and I was 50-pounds lighter. I can still remember buying new clothes shortly after giving birth. It felt amazing to be in a size 16/18...I felt like one hot momma.

    Two years after our son was born, our life changed forever. Little did I know that my husband would be permanently disabled and receiving cancer treatments on a weekly basis. When I thought that I was under constant stress before, then I am not sure how to describe what we are living now. Over these past ten years, the weight slowly started to creep back on. Here I am today at age 40, in a size 26/28, I am scared to death! It didn’t happen overnight. Shame on me!!!

    TODAY, I want to make HUGE, POSITIVE CHANGES. Not only do I want these changes for myself, but also for our two beautiful and healthy children that need me. I am the only one that can make this change, that can help myself, that can find me again. There are 196 layers that need to be peeled back. It is not going to be easy, but with faith, exercise, journaling and determination - I hope not only to be an inspiration to myself, but to others during this journey.

    So instead of eating, I have decided that I am going to start blogging every time I get hungry or have a craving...my blog is going to be HUGE ;)